morning misery

yup, it's another hellish morning with A.  how hard is it to just be nice to your partner (and the world for that matter) right when you wake up in the morning??  the funny thing is that he has no idea how crummy it starts my day off when i cheerily say "good morning!" and he proceeds to slam the bathroom door in my face.  i don't deserve this.

shear lust

i want these...

but since i cannot justify buying them until i am making money again, i will settle for these...

which are still really quite decadent.  who knew i would be lusting after a pair of shears a mere 2 years ago??
sad, but true...

2 eggs over medium and a cup of peppermint tea

you know those little posting collages you can make at the end of the year on facebook?  well, in case you don't i will tell you that they are basically a sampling of random posts you have made throughout the year in collage style.  last year mine involved many posts referencing food.  i guess even though i am not the chef in the family my own little personal bubble in life still prominently revolves around food.  i used to cook for myself a lot more when i was single and living back in my sweet apartment in seattle, and now "food" in my life mainly consists of something that can be prepared in less than 5 minutes or served directly to me on a plate at a restaurant.  when and where did i suddenly lose the motivation to cook?  i used to care so much more about what i put inside my body.  i used to be very aware of the way in which certain foods affected me, but now i just disregard the screaming loud signals my body sends to me every day via congested skin and irritability and other various non-specific symptoms.  i really need to listen to my internal vibration more, but i have lost the way and need to find my way back to a healthy body and soul.


i am the same way with exercise.  i have gone through stints of taking incredibly good care of myself physically and being in really great shape, and then one day i sit down in front of the computer and never seem to get up.  i recently sacrificed my gym membership to have just one less bill in our lives.  i now realize that it was the worst decision i could have made because as i get out of the shower naked and look at my 34-year-old body in the mirror i know that it will never be 25 again, but i have the choice to at least take care of what i got...right??  what it all comes down to is the fact that i feel so much better when i am in good shape.  this means eating well AND exercising.  being mindful of my body and respecting the fact that it needs my help to stay fit and happy.  today will be the first day that i make a commitment to try to cook at least 2 to 3 healthy dinners for myself each week.  well, starting tomorrow of course since it should be clear what i had for dinner tonight ;)  it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start.


well, my husband and i celebrated our 2nd anniversary this month.  2 years, phew!  a lot has happened to say the least.  i know that i have mentioned before that it has been sort of a rough road, but i know that it is possible for us to recover some semblance of joy in our lives again.  life happens, and before you know it you are having 2 fried eggs and a cup of tea for dinner and your husband is at work late (again) and you think to yourself "is this really happening, this life of mine?".  and well, yes, it is.  all you can do is wake up every day and make the best of what you have made for yourself and pray that you choose the best path on each and every daily adventure you stumble upon.  i have seen into the future and i swear it looks bright, but i hope that it is not just an illusion.  there are things i want to say, but am afraid to jinx them so i will hold my tongue and wait.


for our anniversary A and i went to prescott and we stayed at the cutest little hotel downtown on whiskey row by the name of hotel st. michael.  there was a great little cafe in the hotel, and we enjoyed a couple yummy meals there, which says a lot when A is pleased because being a chef he is sooooooo discriminating.  our decision to go to prescott was fueled by my deep desire to at least get a tiny taste of fall weather.  the leaves were falling and the air was crisp.  exactly what i was hoping for!  it was a super quick trip, but well worth the drive.  we actually really enjoyed each others company and spent some true quality time together.  i want to also give a big thank you to the lovely danielle over at sometimessweet.com for giving me suggestions on where to stay and eat!  she was a such a gracious help to me ;)


ahhh, back to my tea now.  i will reflect on my own pondering and make a conscious effort to try and be better to myself.

time stands still

only about 2 months until i graduate from aveda, and time had been moving so slowly until now.  so much to do in so little time.  i feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to go to school and completely change my career path.  so, so very blessed to have had the support i needed to get through it financially.  i wish that my husband knew how much i appreciate all his help, but it is so hard to convey this to him sometimes.  financially and emotionally it has been an extremely taxing year, and i look forward to being able to help us get out of this terrible debt we seem to be perpetually buried under.  ahhhh, yes, debt.  it is what so many of us are made of...is it not?  

cake pops!!

i just discovered these on the dailycandy.com website.  they really satisfy my love for all things small, cute, AND delicious!  what could be better than bite-sized cake on a stick??!  

you can find how-to instructions at:  http://www.dailycandy.com/all-cities/gallery/90627/Make-Your-Own-Cake-Pops

this is halloween, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!

i love, love, love halloween!  it is absolutely my most favorite holiday of the year.  i love that it represents the changing of a season, as well as an opportunity to come up with a fantastic costume and go out for some prime people watching.  i have been everything from roadkill rabbit to melanie daniels from hitchcock's the birds.  i revel in every last minute of  the sweet, candy goodness that is halloween.  this year is a bit different, however.  this year i will not be celebrating halloween with costumes, cocktails, and debauchery.  since all hallows eve falls on a sunday, clearly the festivities will occur on saturday and i have to be up early on sunday to go to the culinary festival where my husband will be competing in a competition similar to iron chef.  it is a big deal for him, and i would not miss it.  i have school for 10 hours on saturday as well, so either i go out on saturday and be a "good" girl and don't drink and come home early, or i stay home.  i wish that i could say that going out without drinking was easy for me, but unfortunately i socialize much better after i have a couple.  although i love to mingle, social anxiety has always been a huge issue for me.  i often wish that it were easier for me to feel comfortable around large groups of people at any given time, but, alas, it is simply not that easy for me to just relax and enjoy myself and others without the help of a little liquid courage.  perhaps i will try to go at it with a positive attitude, and try to enjoy the holiday as a sober attendee. we shall see...


the one thing i did this year in honor of my favorite day (by default) was make my mom some super fancy delicious whoopie pies...so decadent!!  the recipe was very simple, but unfortunately i don't have it since it came out of a magazine at my mom's.  i will tell you that the filling had butter, powdered sugar, cream cheese, AND marshmallow cream!  YUM!

and here is a blurry photo of me on halloween about 5 years ago...

have a safe and happy halloween everybody!!

the payoff of hard work

so this past year has been tumultuous to say the least.  on top of school i have had to balance work, lucky rabbit, marriage, finances, pets, family drama,  a withering social life, the maintenance of a home, as well as keeping my personal emotional maintenance in check.  i have definitely learned a lot about myself and all the people that surround me.  i have come so far as a stylist, and it has helped me grow as an individual in ways that i could have never imagined.  i have gained friends as well as business connections through my newfound skill, and i am feeling really positive about my potential.  i will graduate in early january, and after 14 long months will finally be able to get my license and start learning the true ins and outs of my new craft.  i am truly looking forward to a fresh start full of opportunity.

my hair and makeup model for my photo shoot final

i still miss living in a bigger city with better weather, but have accepted the fact that i might have to tough it out here for as long as it takes for my husband and i to be able to afford to build another life elsewhere.  october seems to always be an extremely difficult month for me because in my mind it should feel and look like fall outside.  there should be a crispness in the air which generally represents the season of autumn, and the leaves should be turning bright colors as they change and fall off the trees.  i should be able to smell the first fires built in fireplaces throughout the city, and there should be an overall sense of transformation.  alas, none of these things are present during "fall" in the desert.  the melty weather of summer still lingers on, and there is no point in wishing it would be otherwise.  eventually, around november, the weather will change, but only into the 6-month spring that will exist until it becomes unbearably hot again in may.  i may have accepted the fact that i am stuck here for an undetermined amount of time, but that doesn't mean i don't still daydream of my next home...

the blues

*ugh*  being sick in the summertime somehow seems to feel worse than being sick in the winter.  being sick always makes me depressed though no matter what the weather outside is like.  i have such a hard time not doing anything that i either make myself feel worse by actually over-doing it, or i go stir crazy by doing nothing.  today i chose the latter, and feel utterly useless for not filling my day with the usual tuesday-end-of-the-weekend rituals such as cleaning and laundry.  why do i give myself such a hard time for trying to relax and recuperate??  to top things off, my husband says he is going to "help" me by doing some vacuuming and picking up, which never happened.  consequently, it makes me feel worse because now i not only feel lazy, but i am also mad at myself and at him for sitting in a dirty house at 8:45pm after wasting an entire day.  i feel like i can't rely on anybody but myself...*sigh*  he didn't even offer to make me dinner, and i have now given up on the idea of eating at all tonight since it is so late and i just don't have the energy to get something together for myself.  what is wrong with the male brain?  or is it just my luck to end up with somebody who never follows through with commitments, ignores me, and gets grumpy and moody because he lacks the motivation to entertain himself??  and this is not only when i am sick.  *double sigh*

we went to spend some time with my family for the 4th of july.  although i didn't feel fantastic, it was really nice to see my mom getting around pretty great with her 1st new knee!  she can make it up and down the stairs now, and do pretty much everything for herself, which i know makes her happier.  went shopping with my sister at H&M, which is always a bonus to being up in phoenix.  i have to admit that it really wasn't even that hot!  mostly in the upper 90's, and then barely grazing the 100's.  so odd for july.  however, the chaos always reigns when we are there, and in the end we can't wait to come home.  it is hard to never be able to spend quality time with my parents without the pandemonium caused by my sister's family who lives across the street from them.  my niece and nephew are always really excited to see us, and we can handle an afternoon, but after that we just wish that we could have some peaceful and relaxing adult time with my parents.

wow, i am just full of positivity and lightness today, eh?  don't say i didn't warn you in the beginning by saying that i get depressed when i'm sick.

faking it, and faking it good

remember when i said i was going to start exploring lomography a bit more?? well, this is actually cheating since they were taken on my phone, but the vignette application that i got for my droid sure makes it easy to fake it!

the notorious mr. pink

the man

i am happy to report that my mom is doing much better since her knee replacement earlier this week.  she is finally back home as of last night, and i look forward to being able to see her soon.  it's really emotionally draining to have a loved one go through such a major surgery, and then even more so just thinking about the road to full recovery.  as i said before, she also has to have the other knee done soon so it makes that road feel just a bit longer.  i am really excited to see her get back to herself.  being in constant pain definitely has an effect on one's emotional state, and she has been suffering for quite some time now.  it was first recommended that she have both knees replaced 2 years ago, and they have obviously only gotten worse since.  that is a lot of precious time to lose being very limited to how many steps you are able to take before you are unable to take any more due to the incessant, worsening pain.  yay, mom!!  in a few short months we can actually take a walk together again!

speaking of pain, it has become increasingly harder to get up for school each day.  there are a lot of changes that have been made as far as staff goes, and i feel like we are losing all the educators that have actually taught us the most.  the ones that are left over either don't have the level of knowledge, or lack the teaching skills to provide the necessary direction.  i know that cutting and coloring hair probably doesn't seem like rocket science, but there is so much more involved than you will ever know if you have not endured cosmetology school.  at this point i believe it truly is a specialized form of torture.  seriously.  i can't believe that i am only halfway through at this point, and then when i graduate i have apprenticing and assisting to look forward to.  *ugh*  please, please let this all be worth it in the end.  i do love the fact that the beauty and fashion industry is in a persistent state of evolution.  i look forward to all the continuing education, but right now i just want the base to be built so i can move on with my life and start working again.  i actually miss having a dependable source of personal income.  addam has taken very good care of the two of us, but i need to contribute to feel secure within my own self.  i need to be making my own money to feel justified spending it on things that i want, and not just things that i need.  as silly as it may sound, i miss shopping, dammit!

massage happiness

today my friend kyra called me out of the blue to see if she could stop by and say hello.  she recently got back from a trip to hawaii, and i hadn't seen her since a couple weeks before she left.  she came over and i made us some sandwiches and we sat on the porch and caught up.  so super nice.  it was a short visit since she had to get to work, but she told me she was not fully booked for the day and that she would love for me to come in and get some much needed massage.  she also said we could trade a haircut for a massage...woohoo!!  how could i possibly decline that stellar offer??!  so, yay for me, i got a kick-ass massage today.  it couldn't have come at a better time because i slept all funky last night and my neck/shoulder area was really bothering me today.  i have also been having a lot of issues with that same shoulder, arm, wrist, and hand lately, and i think it must have something to do with cutting and coloring hair.  i suppose at some point i will i need to consider regular maintenance so i don't wreck my money-maker.  i mean, if i am only in school now what do i have to look forward to when i am doing it all week long for several more hours than i am now??  yikes.  i also think i need to invest in some ergonomic shears as well.  anybody got an extra $500 laying around (*ouch*)?

this weekend i also finished a project that i have been working on for waaaay too long.  i am too embarrassed to admit how long, so don't even ask.  however, here it is, and i think it turned out beautifully!

                                           

virgin de guadalupe embroidered on the edge of a vintage cotton pillowcase.

the pillowcase already had some cute pink flowers along the edge as well.

monday, monday

today had been an A-MAZINGLY beautiful day!!  according to the weather forecast it will be the last one we have for the next few months of summer hell.  ok, so "few" is an understatement.  it will actually be hot, hot, hot for the next 5 months, but it's best not to think about it this early in the summer.


my mom had knee replacement surgery today, and apparently it went well.  this is something she has been putting off for 2 whole years so i am so happy that she has finally taken the leap.  she is still in recovery at the moment, but when she wakes up she will be in a great deal of pain which really bums me out.  i will be heading up to phoenix next sunday to help her out for a few days during her long recovery process.  good thoughts for a speedy recovery so she will be ready to do it all over again in about 6 weeks.  yup, she has to do the other one as well, but then she will be able to get back to her normal life again.  she will be able to WALK for one, but she will also be able to do yoga again and enjoy everyday activities that we all take for granted.  as most of the women in my family are, my mom is amazingly resilient, and i have every ounce of faith that she will get through this just fine.

taken today in my front yard.

i think the desert gives us these occasional gifts so we can forgive it for being so relentlessly miserable for 5-6 months out of the year ;)

thrifty score

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!


for everything that tucson is lacking, i have to admit that you can score some pretty sweet vintage finds here.  i have nabbed several vintage beaded sweaters and adorable dresses at a fraction of the cost you would pay in bigger cities.


i have been searching for the perfect pair of cowboy boots since i moved here.  although the search continues for the "perfect" pair, in the meantime i would like to present my latest tucson thrift store bargain...drum roll, please.

awesome red cowboy boots for only $28 from tucson thrift!

i have to admit, the thrifting is definitely one of the few things i will miss when i leave tucson. 

bow-tastic

i would totally buy these...

vision thing

so as i was driving to work this morning i had somewhat of an epiphany.  when i first moved to this ol' desert from the lush surroundings of the northwest all i could see was brown.  brown dirt, brown bushes, brown buildings, brown everything!  aside from the sporadic drive through the mountain park, or up the road to mount lemon where there are actually pine trees, i had a hard time even noticing that the cactus were actually green.  the green that i did see appeared washed out, or faded by the oppressive fireball in the sky.  well, all of a sudden today i realized that i can finally see the signs of life around town in the form of green trees, plants, and flowers.  i feel that it must mean that i have been here so long that my eyes have adjusted to the bleached out flora that exists here in the wild west.  i can actually see the beauty in my everyday surroundings for the first time in a very long time.  however, i still point and scream "GRASS!!" every time we pass a golf course or a park...two of the very few places where you can actually experience the luxury of such here in tucson.  people are very militant about not wasting water on lawns (pshhhh! they obviously have no idea how worth it it would be), but i wish everyday that we had just a small patch in our backyard to dig our bare toes into instead of the layers of sharp rocks that we do have.  ahhh, yes, it is the simple things in life which we must revel.  unfortunately, when we spend so much time wanting things to be different from what is possible we will only set ourselves up for disappointment.  this is why i have to be okay with what we have at this point in time, and i keep reminding myself that it is only temporary.  the rocks, just like our lives here in tucson, are only temporary.


on another colorful note, i picked some tiny strawberries today from my "porch patch" that i planted a few weeks ago.  they were so cute and sweet tasting...yum!  hopefully the beets that i planted will be able to mature as well instead of shriveling up in the boiling june temperatures.  we'll see...

darlingtonia moccasins

oh my, these moccasins are just too stinkin' cute!!  katie makes these lovelies with her very own two hands in northern california on an antique singer 29k sewing machine.  she is a photographer by trade who earned her bfa in fine art, and you can certainly tell from the beautiful photos she has posted on her etsy store.
check these and more out at:  darlingtonia.etsy.com

                        

              

things that make you go hmmmm...

ok, so what is it that keeps me from recording my daily, or even weekly events, thoughts, or inspirations in this blog?  i have several blogs that i follow, and i feel like i know these women on a personal level as if they were close friends of mine.  what is it that makes them ok with sharing so many facets of their lives with complete strangers?  what is their motivation to express their feelings in such an open and honest format?  presently i am having difficulty finding time outside of my current responsibilities to do much of anything extracurricular, let alone keep an online memoir of my somewhat mundane life.  i am beginning to think that it is the fact that i am not particularly happy with my life that may be causing me my blogging apprehension.  however, i have decided to approach it from more of a therapeutic standpoint.  maybe if i can start writing it all down only then can i begin to understand more about myself.


i have recently come to terms with the malaise i am experiencing lately in my life.  in comparison to some, my life certainly is not that bad when inspected with a wide lens.  i have a roof over my head, friends and family that care about me, and a husband who works his ass off to make sure that we have everything we need.  however, when you take a look through the microscopic lens things are not all peaches and cream.  the roof that is over our heads happens to be in tucson where we have been for over the past 2 years and i am still as unsettled and miserable as i was since the day i arrived in this hot hell of a town.  the majority of the friends that my husband and i both have do not live here which means that the support system that we do have is considerably smaller and less reliable (no offense to the few friends that i do have here).  as are so many other people  in this country, my parents are suffering through some very serious financial woes at the moment, and i am so concerned that the problems they are having cannot be resolved without taking drastic measures to do so.  i worry about their future on a daily basis.  that husband that works so hard to take good care of us is never around because he works anywhere from 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 6+ days a week.  although he makes more than enough money for us to live comfortably, we still struggle paycheck to paycheck trying to pay off an astronomical debt that feels like we can never put a sizable dent into.  it's the american way, right?  this is how everybody lives, right?  all of this combined creates a constant air of stress in our lives.  when addam is around he is not very present because he is so exhausted from working so much.  he is grumpy and mean and very quick to blame me for the tension that exists between us due to the fact that we spend very little time together.  sometimes i feel like i hardly recognize him from the man that i fell in love with and married.  since i am going to school, and only working very minimally i feel guilty a majority of the time for not being able to contribute more.  i can't wait to graduate and start working again, but then that creates a whole new handful of anxiety for me.  i am 33-years-old and entering into a very young industry.  i think i have legitimate concerns about being able to attain the level of success i am hoping for.  some people in this industry don't make it for at least 10 years, and i have some very lofty expectations of being able to be in a good space financially within 5 years.  i think that if i work hard enough, and want it bad enough that it will happen for me.  i just need to stay focused and positive, but it can be hard when you feel like everything around you is collapsing.  *sigh*  just breathe, right?


on a more positive note, addam recently got a whole 3 days off in a row a couple weeks ago (sooo rare), and we went to san diego for the long weekend.  it felt great to be near the water again, and to smell and feel the cool ocean breeze.  i miss living near the water more than ever now, but am unsure if i could move back to the doom and gloom of the northwest.  could san diego, or even los angeles be a good place for us??

addam and lola 

cute, little french cafe in downtown sand diego

and this is what i wish i was wearing today...how can i find out immediately when the good stuff comes out at target so i don't miss it???

anna sui for target

jimmy-choo wedges

and this is my obsession for the day...matryoshka doll accessories.  i see a cute new tattoo in my future.  the permanent accessory!

juicy couture charm

http://www.etsy.com/listing/6355203/matryoshka-doll-necklace

chanel necklace

chanel wrist clutch

longing for camille

wouldn't it be nice to be able to walk into a gallery and purchase art like this?  i suppose i need to start playing the lottery again.

                                     

perception and sleep deprivation

i often suffer from insomnia.  i have had this affliction since i was very young, and my mom told me i used to lay in my bed as a little girl and sing all night long.  she would actually tell my babysitter to not let me nap under any circumstances because it would generally lead to a long night of sitcom opening melodies being crooned into the night from my bedroom.  i don't sing anymore, but rather i lay there with this impending feeling of the day to come that is actually becoming 2 or 3 days strung together, and sometimes even a week or more.  i lay there and worry about a multitude of things which may, or may not be of any real importance were i not so focused on the fact that i am not falling asleep.  funny how as adults we handle things like not sleeping in such a different way than we did when we were children.  once our grey matter becomes evolved into it's adult form something changes for the worse, and i wonder if there is a way to ever regain that pure sense of carefree nature that defines being a kid.  unfortunately, i think that along with the adult responsibilities of paying off credit card debt and cars and student loans and mortgages that we may very well just lose that blithe sense forever.