The Grey Gospel: things that make you go hmmmm...

ok, so what is it that keeps me from recording my daily, or even weekly events, thoughts, or inspirations in this blog? i have several blogs that i follow, and i feel like i know these women on a personal level as if they were close friends of mine. what is it that makes them ok with sharing so many facets of their lives with complete strangers? what is their motivation to express their feelings in such an open and honest format? presently i am having difficulty finding time outside of my current responsibilities to do much of anything extracurricular, let alone keep an online memoir of my somewhat mundane life. i am beginning to think that it is the fact that i am not particularly happy with my life that may be causing me my blogging apprehension. however, i have decided to approach it from more of a therapeutic standpoint. maybe if i can start writing it all down only then can i begin to understand more about myself.

i have recently come to terms with the malaise i am experiencing lately in my life. in comparison to some, my life certainly is not that bad when inspected with a wide lens. i have a roof over my head, friends and family that care about me, and a husband who works his ass off to make sure that we have everything we need. however, when you take a look through the microscopic lens things are not all peaches and cream. the roof that is over our heads happens to be in tucson where we have been for over the past 2 years and i am still as unsettled and miserable as i was since the day i arrived in this hot hell of a town. the majority of the friends that my husband and i both have do not live here which means that the support system that we do have is considerably smaller and less reliable (no offense to the few friends that i do have here). as are so many other people in this country, my parents are suffering through some very serious financial woes at the moment, and i am so concerned that the problems they are having cannot be resolved without taking drastic measures to do so. i worry about their future on a daily basis. that husband that works so hard to take good care of us is never around because he works anywhere from 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 6+ days a week. although he makes more than enough money for us to live comfortably, we still struggle paycheck to paycheck trying to pay off an astronomical debt that feels like we can never put a sizable dent into. it's the american way, right? this is how everybody lives, right? all of this combined creates a constant air of stress in our lives. when addam is around he is not very present because he is so exhausted from working so much. he is grumpy and mean and very quick to blame me for the tension that exists between us due to the fact that we spend very little time together. sometimes i feel like i hardly recognize him from the man that i fell in love with and married. since i am going to school, and only working very minimally i feel guilty a majority of the time for not being able to contribute more. i can't wait to graduate and start working again, but then that creates a whole new handful of anxiety for me. i am 33-years-old and entering into a very young industry. i think i have legitimate concerns about being able to attain the level of success i am hoping for. some people in this industry don't make it for at least 10 years, and i have some very lofty expectations of being able to be in a good space financially within 5 years. i think that if i work hard enough, and want it bad enough that it will happen for me. i just need to stay focused and positive, but it can be hard when you feel like everything around you is collapsing. *sigh* just breathe, right?

on a more positive note, addam recently got a whole 3 days off in a row a couple weeks ago (sooo rare), and we went to san diego for the long weekend. it felt great to be near the water again, and to smell and feel the cool ocean breeze. i miss living near the water more than ever now, but am unsure if i could move back to the doom and gloom of the northwest. could san diego, or even los angeles be a good place for us??